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30. August 2014

He would argue that since I chose to make my decisions on my own, I could raise the baby alone too. A girl who wears the signs of struggle in her skin is certainly not worthy of a man like himself. He had always known privilege. I was a poor girl looking for a free ride in the form of a baby. Regardless of him spending a year of his time on me, I was not a qualified candidate to share his forever with. “I want a family, just not with you. You are not the girl I want to be with forever. You never will be, that will never change.”

Me sitting dumb founded in the passenger seat of his car, my hands and stomach cramped and locked, trying to coax any word to come out of my mouth— nothing. Shock. Feeling the realization and the conviction in his voice— I was going to raise a baby alone.

"I don’t know why I stick around." He said "maybe it’s for you, I don’t know. Really it’s so I don’t have to feel guilty, so no one says anything to me." Still no words, I just nodded my head and tried my hardest not to throw up every breath I was reluctantly taking.

"I am assuming you want me to drop you off at your car, I mean, there is no reason for you to come inside now."

I nodded again.

The car stopped.

He drove away down the ally.

I left his house knowing that it was the last time I would ever see it again and somehow that just had to be fine with me.
It just had to.


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"there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock."

28. August 2014

I slammed my head in to the brick

Hoping to cause a gash deep enough

To drain you out of my brain.


It didn’t work.


And now I have a head ache.

Ironically,

I left my aspirin on your night stand.


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I woke with a familiar feeling
One of you leaving
I woke
I woke
I woke
Now all I want is you
Deeper than a friendship now
Forgetting what is solid ground
Now all I need is you
Thoughts are getting bigger now
I can’t sleep without you
I don’t know how
Stop waking me with these feelings
Of leaving you
I woke
I woke
I woke
Now it’s easier to choke
Than become something
We are not accustomed to
Breaking all these boundaries down
I’m lost
I’m lost
and now I’m found
And all I want is you


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24. August 2014

Finding you was like gracefully falling
Onto a land mine
that has been buried
For the last twenty-two years.
An explosion that has rendered my eyes
Sensitive to light,
My ears void of anything
That is not the ringing of your voice,
My limbs gone but still tingling,
Still longing to reach and touch
And hold you and wrap around you,
Melting old flesh,
To find something new.
You.


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24. August 2014

All the depressed poets
Spend their time reading
Me—
I just spend my time bleeding
For the girl next door
Who never goes outside
For the ant that I stepped on
And wept when it died.


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20. August 2014

The first time I heard you cry
My stomach filled up with so much life
I had to throw up to get a little out
Your vocal cords were so strong
And powerful and overwhelming
I knew I could listen to them forever

The first time I held you
I had a panic attack
My body felt so much happiness
And pure terror all in one moment
My hands locked up and I swear
My heart stopped beating for a second

You were warm and small
The rest of my existence wrapped up
In a multicolored hospital blanket
I wanted to share you with the world
I wanted to scream
THIS IS MINE
I MADE THIS

The first time I noticed your eyes cross
I loved you more and yay for quarks
I was so naive and unable to believe
There could ever be something wrong
You were perfect to me
You still are

The first time the doctor said
You had special DNA
I imagined you as a super hero
My tiny little three year old super hero
But you were weak
They said

I stayed up late a night
Trying to think of ways to fix you
But you never needed fixing did you
And you were smart
Yes, you knew all of your colors
You know so many things
I did not even know myself

The first time I accepted you
Was always
You were never wrong or broken
I thank every god that exists
That you are unlike anyone else
All cross eyed and missing teeth
I love you
You are the missing piece of me


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My Pap-Pap has been growing tomatoes since I can remember. If the air began to feel like spring, he was in the garden preparing; making homemade posts, ties and fertilizer. I always knew where to find him. The joy he got out of seeing his first ripe tomato of the year, I will never understand.

As Pap got older, his tomato plans became fewer and fewer, his aging body unable to keep up with all the digging and bending down. This spring he celebrated his 80th birthday, the last member of his family alive and his garden was reduced to six talk stalks growing in pots on the back deck. As time moves forward, unkindly to my Pap, I am afraid soon I will see a spring with no tomatoes.

I cannot image a spring with no tomatoes.

When that day comes, I will till the ground and I will make homemade posts, ties and fertilizer and if you need me, you will know where to find me because life is not the same without celebrating the first ripe tomato of the year.


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onemorecigarette:

Haha
He said
Haha
As if to disown his emotions
Haha idc
Haha oh well
Haha shit happens ya know
Haha like a wall
To fend off anyone who would dare
Muster the words “I’m sorry”
Haha don’t worry about it
He said he said haha
Leave the man alone


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Haha
He said
Haha
As if to disown his emotions
Haha idc
Haha oh well
Haha shit happens ya know
Haha like a wall
To fend off anyone who would dare
Muster the words “I’m sorry”
Haha don’t worry about it
He said he said haha
Leave the man alone


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18. August 2014

Hold you to one in a million
But you’re not as smooth as I believe
Think of yourself as a dream catcher
But I see how often you bleed
Crush a girl in your palms
Release her and you’re gone
Back to one less thought
Blame your failures on god
Starve for everything you want
I am less impressed with you everyday
Thinking back when we met
Is this as good as it gets
I don’t want to know the rest
You’re not the love I want you to be


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"Overflow gently — don’t drown."

Albert Camus, Notebooks (1935-1951).  (via wordsnquotes)

(via wordsnquotes)

15. August 2014

Laid upon you as ashes
Beeze sending me across your skin
Falling in between your scars
Resting softly as you sleep
Relieving every ache in your back
Every pop and creak of your spine
Shelter from cold
You are never alone
Smothering all the places
You won’t let warm hands go


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You have me so infatuated
I’m unrelated
I’m frustrated
I am dedicating
all of my cigarettes
to you

Inhale— you
Exhale— you
Dying slowly— you
You
You

You have me so preoccupied
Flying through red lights
I am stumbling
over simple words
A mumble is my life

Ummmmm
Yeah
Well
Mmmmmm

You have me so tense
I hate it
A monster you have created
I am digging through
Flesh and bone
Discovering a body
That I own
But have never known

Don’t stop
Don’t stop
Don’t stop
Don’t stop

You have me so
Vindicated

Breath
Breath
Breath

IM FINDING FOREVER IN SHORT TERM THINGS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME
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13. August 2014

I ate happiness out of your collar bones and drank whisky from the caves of your back.

Loving you can be such hungry work.

I Satisfied myself upon your flesh and kissed you in all the places I could not sink my teeth into.

I devoured you, just like you wanted me to, Just to keep your pieces inside of my stomach, to be well fed even away from you.

You tasted— taste so good.

A last meal for a starving soul.


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