I have to find a way to make myself happy, outside of you. It’s just, when you want something so badly, you become desperate for it, you do anything to hold onto the notion that it will happen one day but in my hopes for forever I lost you somewhere. I marginalized our life together down to phone calls and texts and how many times I slept in your bed in a week. You didn’t say I love you for three days so that means you hate me and you have found someone better to occupy your time and you blame it all on insecurity but I say that there is a difference between insecurity and making decisions out of fear. There is so much more to life than you and I know that but try telling my heart to listen when it is beating like a college drum line at the sight of you, at the thought of you. I have lost all control of my emotions and my days are filled with nothing but thoughts of you. Our conversations become strategies and you can tell that I am trying so hard to keep you, you hate it. You do not want to be kept, you do not want to answer to me or listen to my complaints, you don’t want to have to remind me that you love me everyday… But I need it. I need to feel loved and to feel like I am not holding onto something that will eventually leave with time and all the in same breath I am pushing you away. So I tell myself that I will wake up in the morning and pretend my life is the way it was before I met you but I can’t and 10am hits me like a brick and I am missing you again. I can’t have you forever, I would never be that lucky and I have ruined this past the point of repair. Haven’t i?
…But if a mirror ever makes
you should know
that it does
I begged to swallow him everyday,
To drink him like ice cold water,
To taste the salt in his skin
And the sweat on his chest,
His hips and his thighs.
I wanted to devour him,
Take him into my mouth,
Feel every crease of his skin
Move over my wet lips—
Salivating, craving and
Kneading the spine of his back.
Aching to feel his nerves
Twitch in my palms
And settle once again.
Control, I wanted to control him
And making him cum
Was how I found complete satisfaction
For my wandering soul.
Piles of shit
Is this even poetry
I don’t care
I don’t want to wake up
I don’t want to sleep
I just want nothing
I hate me
I can’t wait to see you
I can’t wait to see you
I can’t wait
I loved you like I loved the summer
Like I was 16 with the windows down
Like I jumped over the waterfall by the bridge
Like I didn’t care if I downed.
Like Tom petty ringing in my ears
Like be half naked downtown
Like running after stars
Like my feet never knew the ground.
I followed him into the depths of hell, despite my better judgment, walked through the cob webs of his life and all the closets he kept them in. I let him judge me and look me over and say “you’re not good enough.” And I loved him anyway. You see, to me he was everything, he was a heaven I did not believe existed, he was water in the desert, he was a brick in a sea of gravel, he was a salvation to everything I had ever known— A different kind of life and though he fit into mine, I was a sore that rested snugly at the bottom of his foot, making every step he took so awkward and painful, that despite my best efforts to ease myself upon him, he still walked with a limp. While I was busy preparing myself for the worst, he was busy convincing himself to love me, a formula in which would never work. All the hundreds of times I had begged him to stay, you would think he would find the courage to finally cut me off but he didn’t. No, he grew accustomed to the burden of me and took me on as a sorry soul to whom he could breathe life into. I would never leave him, he made sure of that.
Yes, I know you drive a fast car
and your pay checks are triple mine
but I love you because of all those soft sounds you make at night,
Like when you roll over and grab me in your sleep, when you unconsciously pull closer to me
and breath exhausts from your chest like you have been holding it in
all of your life,
I love you for those seemingly unimportant nights.