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1. August 2014

I started living in stories I made up about you, about us, about love and you could tell
In the long moments I was away from you, I even started to believe them myself
But as I laid next to you in bed at night,
Reality grabbed my gut, you didn’t roll over to kiss me again
So I dreamt of a morning, drinking coffee with you in the kitchen— you hate coffee
And I imagined an evening, where you cared enough to ask about my day— you didn’t
And I prayed a day wouldn’t fight over why I never hear from you
No, I can’t get by on nothing from you
No, I can’t get by not having you at all

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Honest. To. Goodness.

My mom just yelled at me for breathing, said it makes the windows dirty.

Ah. Sorry, Ma. I’ll try to do that less.

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28. July 2014

Sway me
on every
different surface
That sits at every
different height
Show me the gifts
You so proudly
speak of
Put me
in your hands
Put me
on my knees
Make me swoon
for you
Make me
Fall so hard
I never recover

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cdtswa said: You have the cutest feet and toes...if those are your toes in the picture;) how are you?

Yes, those happen to be my feet and toes

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Abandon: To leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert.

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28. July 2014

Now he sleeps just fine, as I sit alone and cry, plotting ways to make him love me. Mom says, stop falling for assholes and I tell her to take her own advice. So I’m stalking social media, studying every word he types, making up scenarios in my head that are probably not true and I’m sleeping a little more often, just so I don’t have to think of him but fuck… He is in my dreams too. So I started picking up smoking but when I smoke I just want to write and I choose my words carefully but they always end up a jumble of him squished onto a piece of paper. I know it will better, everything always gets better but the getting there part is making me loose my mind.

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28. July 2014

Deep in the dead
Lost in confusion
I am alone
And you are the reason
I never meant
To be a burden
You are alone
And love is the reason
If fate ever comes to pass
We will close our eyes
And hope it leaves fast
Because no one is perfect
I never came close
I never stood a chance
Against all of your ghosts
So write me off
So play a song
That helps you forget
When everything is wrong
I will cry at night
And miss your bed
You can live
As if I am dead
If that makes you feel better
My beautiful boy
If that is what will save you
I will sleep in this grave
This selfish grave
That you have dug for me
And deep in the stars
I see your face
As they come to cart me away
Breath easier
Knowing I am gone
Carry on with life
As if it has just begun

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27. July 2014

I have built monuments after you
As large as skyscrapers in my mind
After a year of laying rock
And carving stone
I have nothing to show
Except the calluses on my fingers
And the dirt between my toes
I am tired now
And growing old
All of this work
And I still have no home

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Flies stick in hot weather
To sweat and skin
And other unimportant things
Red hair brings nightmares
I imagine it upon your face
And other irrational things
As if I am not miserable enough
This cigarette would be stale
Among other things
I watch flowers wither
The rose bushes lost their lust
And turned to wild things
These things I dream
Bring no peace
Keep me wanting different things

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When I woke up in the morning, my stomach was still sick, my tongue still tasted of vomit and my scalp was still sore from tugging at my hair. As if sleep would make me new, I know better than to believe that.

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22. July 2014

Your flesh is still stuck
in my teeth
Leaving no room to
let me breath
Stinking rotting and
taking up space
Right where you belong
Right in your place

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22. July 2014

At some point I stopped believing in you, I found it more satisfying to watch you burn than to watch you breath.

When I once thought of ways you fix you, I soon plotted ways to break you
And all that was love turned into miles of desert.

I began wishing loneliness upon you,
Nights alone spent watching tv,
Going to bed hungry with nothing to eat.

Praying to stars that turn to black holes before your eyes, swallowing all you had hoped for.

A shallow grave, no peace made, laying to rot and no one bothers to mourn you.

This is how I love you now, this is how we end.


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I pour myself a cup of coffee
the way I always take it
bitter and black
just like my heart

and I remember

The day before thanksgiving……. 1991…….. holding you…. in my arms watching your eyes….. open……. for the very first time
Feeling… the warmth…. and softness of your skin
Understanding….. finally…… what it means to love… perfectly
Imagining…… a life…… with you………that was never……. going…… to happen

I wish that I were with you to celebrate your day
though I’d cringe were you to witness
the man shaped massacre
that I’ve become

What presents could I give you
my precious, little girl?
Humiliation, self pity and heartbreak
are the only gifts I have to offer

Your mother wasn’t wrong
to take your little hand and run
as far and as fast
as her feet could carry her

It’s better you don’t know
this hazy, fading shadow
of the man I used to be

So I raise my cup and saucer
high above my head
to offer a toast
that will never reach your ears

Tomorrow’s for thanks giving
Today is for regret
Happy birthday, baby

wherever the fuck you are


Max Mundan, Rehab Stories: Happy Birthday, Baby

© David Rutter 2014

(via maxmundan)

(via maxmundan)

18. July 2014

She was not religious but
she prayed for me and when she touched my hand
l could feel the blood flowing
through her old fingers
Pounding beneath her protruding veins
With such a rhythm that almost
Became a melody and I hummed alone
As she sang
“Dear father in heaven
Watch over this girl
Fill her with your love
And kiss her eyes when she sleeps
Dear father in heaven
Bless this girl
Mend her heart
And give her health”
Her old hands that had seen
So much life and I believed her
And I left with her warm imprint
On my body and I thanked her
I thanked her and I will
Never see her again

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A tight grip around my neck
Heavy breathing in my ear
You do not feel the same anymore
What was warm now is cold
What was hunger now is fed
You have been gone too long
You have been gone too long
I am different now
No desire to count your freckles
Smell your clothes or eat your words
All I hear are sighs of disappointment
You know it too
You have been gone too long

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