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1. October 2014

Touches my lips
And laces in between my fingers.
My cigarette sits in the dark with me
When you are not around.
It burns for me
And it talks to me,
It asks how my day was
And tells me to relax.
My cigarette makes art for me
In the silhouettes of winding smoke,
Comforts me when I feel alone.

But you don’t.

My cigarettes does not break my heart,
Does not punish me for being right.
It does not hold grudges
And it does not judge,
It does not leave me
When a conversation gets rough.
My cigarette doesn’t hate me,
My cigarettes doesn’t gloat.
My cigarette tells me all of it secrets
As you disappear into the smoke.

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Another beautiful day spent laying in my bed alone, with the curtains drawn and no one at home.

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28. September 2014

This life I have with you is fucking exhausting and your excuse is that I do it to myself, like how can I still love you when I’m standing in your kitchen and you’re screaming at me to get out? Because I make decisions based on fear and you are the other way around, waking me up to tell me you love me and then pushing me to the ground. I’ll never be your porn star wife and I’ll never give a fuck about fast cars but I like to watch you breath while you sleep. That’s not something worth fighting for? You make me loose sleep, you make me forget to eat and I hate you for those things. I fell in love and now I’m drowning in it. LET ME BREATH.

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My gut was empty when I woke today
Void of any feeling worth savoring.
I tried to go back to sleep,
I tried to pretend you were dead
But there is this constant knocking in my head that tells me I am alone

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When you objectify yourself to someone else’s behavior, you almost begin to identify with it. You start to feel like their actions are a direct response of how you made them feel and so, somehow, you are wrong, even if you don’t have a logical reason why. You want to make this person happy, you want to make them happen because of you, not because of anything else and so you live your life thinking of this person in every decision that you make— this can be healthy, if the other person is responsive and wishes to do the same for you but it can also be extremely unhealthy if the other person begins to expect it with nothing in return. Still, after countless times of feeling as though your intentions do not resonate, you continue to try harder, to the point where you almost become desperate to receive attention and love and gratitude from this person and maybe that will happen eventually but somewhere in eventually, you have lost what is important to you and what makes you happy and you forget that your happiness does not actually depend on this person— it doesn’t and eventually you accept this and kick yourself for wasting so much valuable time aching for hopes and dreams that have an unlikely probability. So here is to recognizing unlikely probability.

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21. September 2014

I have to find a way to make myself happy, outside of you. It’s just, when you want something so badly, you become desperate for it, you do anything to hold onto the notion that it will happen one day but in my hopes for forever I lost you somewhere. I marginalized our life together down to phone calls and texts and how many times I slept in your bed in a week. You didn’t say I love you for three days so that means you hate me and you have found someone better to occupy your time and you blame it all on insecurity but I say that there is a difference between insecurity and making decisions out of fear. There is so much more to life than you and I know that but try telling my heart to listen when it is beating like a college drum line at the sight of you, at the thought of you. I have lost all control of my emotions and my days are filled with nothing but thoughts of you. Our conversations become strategies and you can tell that I am trying so hard to keep you, you hate it. You do not want to be kept, you do not want to answer to me or listen to my complaints, you don’t want to have to remind me that you love me everyday… But I need it. I need to feel loved and to feel like I am not holding onto something that will eventually leave with time and all the in same breath I am pushing you away. So I tell myself that I will wake up in the morning and pretend my life is the way it was before I met you but I can’t and 10am hits me like a brick and I am missing you again. I can’t have you forever, I would never be that lucky and I have ruined this past the point of repair. Haven’t i?

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…But if a mirror ever makes
you sad

you should know
that it does
not know


Kabir (via wordsnquotes)

(via wordsnquotes)

20. September 2014

I begged to swallow him everyday,
To drink him like ice cold water,
To taste the salt in his skin
And the sweat on his chest,
His hips and his thighs.
I wanted to devour him,
Take him into my mouth,
Feel every crease of his skin
Move over my wet lips—
Salivating, craving and
Kneading the spine of his back.
Aching to feel his nerves
Twitch in my palms
And settle once again.
Control, I wanted to control him
And making him cum
Was how I found complete satisfaction
For my wandering soul.

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Life sucks
Piles of shit
Is this even poetry
I don’t care
I don’t want to wake up
I don’t want to sleep
I just want nothing
I hate me

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I can’t wait to see you
I can’t wait to see you
I can’t wait
I can’t

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11. September 2014

I loved you like I loved the summer
Like I was 16 with the windows down
Like I jumped over the waterfall by the bridge
Like I didn’t care if I downed.
Like Tom petty ringing in my ears
Like be half naked downtown
Like running after stars
Like my feet never knew the ground.

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"It is not my job to make you feel secure, you have to be able to do that yourself. When that day comes, you will finally feel the love I have been giving you."